I wrote this document because I needed it when I left the Church.
When I discovered elements of Joseph Smith’s history that did not align with my previous beliefs, I found myself stranded in the sea. The Church, my raft, was gone. I floundered around for a while, hopelessly trying to find something to hold.
But the sea in which I found myself was no ordinary one. It was an apologetic sea. Every question I had about the origins of the Church, about the Book of Mormon or the Book of Abraham, would be answered by the apologists. But the apologists were not on my side. They were on the Church’s side, and when they answered my questions, they wouldn’t do so truthfully. So, they grabbed my wet hair and pushed me deeper into their water.
It was hard to breathe. It was hard to know what to believe.
The truth is, Joseph Smith died a long time ago. There is so much about his life that the apologists say was “so long ago, so does it really matter?” There’s a lot of dishonesty. And it’s frustrating! It’s frustrating because, yes, it’s true, horses didn’t exist in America when the Book of Mormon was written, and yes, it’s true that the Book of Mormon talks about horses.
And it’s frustrating because, yes, it’s true that the Book of Abraham is not really the Book of Abraham, and the parchment from which it was taken says nothing about Abraham and nothing about God, and everything about some Egyptian guy’s travel to the afterlife, and Joseph likely just made it all up. But that was so long ago! And now, we have an old man as a Prophet who didn’t know Joseph personally, so that stuff about Joseph is not really all that important.
It’s not that important because, at the end of the day, doesn’t the Church just teach you to be a good person? And isn’t that good? And doesn’t the Church just teach us to believe in Christ and be saved? And isn’t that good?
It’s all so frustrating because when you find out that Joseph Smith was not all that he claimed to be, the sharks that swim in the apologetic sea nip at your legs and say things like, “It doesn’t matter! Joseph wasn’t perfect! Listen to the current Prophet! Pray, and the answer you’ll get is more important than any of that stuff about Joseph!”
But the truth is, all of that stuff about Joseph does matter. But if you go and you try to find an answer to your question, you can’t find a direct one anywhere. And sometimes you’re called weak or lazy for even having a question.
I wrote this document because I needed it. When the apologists, my friends, and my family would push my head underwater for asking about Joseph, I needed something to cling to. Something that said, “Hey, don’t worry so much if you don’t know exactly how many wives Joseph had, or why he lied about the First Vision, or why he translated the Book of Abraham so incorrectly. Know this: the current Church is not true, and here’s why.”
It’s so easy to forget that Joseph’s Church and our Church are the same Church. If Joseph made it up, then it’s all made up; but if you really can’t make up your mind about that—if you really can’t decide if he was a liar or simply a flawed prophet—then don’t worry! It doesn’t matter! The current Church is a fraud, and that’s a lot easier to prove.
I know so many who have drowned in that apologetic sea. Who have dared to ask a question, only to be answered by the sharks that swim beneath. Who, after floundering around for a while in the waves, have found that raft again, and climbed back inside. Who, just feet away from the shore, have sailed away in that raft, back to the middle of the ocean, in the company of sharks.
I want to offer something to those sinking people. Some rope to cling to that might lead them to shore.
There’s another person in that sea, too. They’ve not asked the sharks many questions, but they’ve floated around for so long that they’ve forgot that the raft they’re in isn’t very comfortable. They’ve forgotten that there’s food and water and shelter from the rain on the shore, just a few miles away. They’ve forgotten all of that, because to them, the raft is all they have.
If you’ve been in the Church for a while, you become conditioned (imperceptibly conditioned, I might add) to believe that the Church is the best place to be. It’s the safest. It’s the truest. The guys who run the place are good and honest, and there’s just nothing out there that beats it. You’ve got to follow the stuff they say at General Conference because they are the captains of that raft. They know where they’re going. And maybe, they’re just floating around in circles, but that’s just fine.
When you watch these old men speak, and when you look into their watery eyes from Cheerio-stained pews, it’s easy to forget that those pews have a history, and the old men exist beyond what they say in General Conference. It’s easy to forget that just because they say nice things doesn’t make them Prophets. And just because they tell you to love God doesn’t make all of the other things that they do or say okay.
There is a world outside of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. For some, it’s another Church that’s a little nicer. A little more inclusive. A little more honest and a little more Christian.
For others, it’s on the shores of the sea, in the warm sand, free from the guidance of dishonest men. Free from their oppressive garments and diets. Free from the lies and the manipulation, and the “just have more faith!”
There’s a beautiful world out there. There are good people who aren’t Mormons, and you can love them, and you don’t have to think, in the back of your mind, that when you all die, they’re unfortunately just not going to make it to Heaven. You can eat what you want and wear what you want, and you don’t have to feel guilty!
The guilt that I and so many other members felt was not guilt brought on by some higher knowledge of the way that things should be. It was guilt because we were told to be guilty. We were told that we were bad. And you don’t have to feel so bad all of the time.
The Church is not true. But that’s okay! It’s all okay. Your path isn’t decided by the whims of some old man anymore. Now, I’m not trying to tell you that you should leave the Church and never go back. I promise. All I’m trying to tell you is that you should go ahead and get that second piercing. You should go ahead and love whomever you want and drink a cup of coffee in the morning if you want to. And you shouldn’t feel so bad for not being perfect all of the time.
I’ll include some resources at the end of this document that helped me when I jumped from the raft.
Please don’t give up. Always question things. Question everything I’ve said, for God’s sake, and find out if I’m making it up! There are beautiful things in store for you.
This is not the end. Keep going! It will be okay.
With all my love,
